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'A thing of Sound and Fury, signifying nothing.'


Ho Ho...Hmm. (12/19/04) 

    This Christmas season, I took my life in my hands and took part in that most dangerous of holiday traditions: The day after Thanksgiving shopping spree. In the wee hours of the morning, I staked out a spot in front of a department store, prepared to pounce on an unusually good deal; one of those 'bait' deals to draw people in, but which you only really have a shot at if you're in the first wave of shoppers through the door.

    And so, I found myself waiting among a pack of steely-eyed housewives, looking like warriors prepared for a battle they didn't expect to return from. The minutes crept by as the pack restlessly shifted around the store's main door. When the door unlocked from the inside with a loud click, the whole pack jumped, tensed...and as the doors opened, poured into the store with all the fervor of a rampaging Mongol horde.  Store employees screamed in terror and leapt behind their cash registers; little old ladies fell to the ground and were trampled beneath a legion of sensible shoes. Weaving and sprinting through the human tidal wave, I made my way to the prized pile of deeply discounted merchandise, waiting just long enough for one frightened looking woman to struggle out of the way with a heavy box in her arms before pouncing. Success! I hoisted one of the boxes to my shoulder, casually strolling towards a register, mocking the slow and the fallen with my own good fortune.

     "So, what was so important that you had to get up at such an ungodly hour?" my brother-in-law asked.

    I proudly showed him my new KitchenAid mixer.

    He slowly raised an eyebrow.  "Well, that does it.  You are now officially gay."

    "Ah," I said, "but a man buys a mixer out of love of eating muffins, not sausages."

    He pointed out that the mixer had an option for a sausage stuffing attachment. Some days you just can't win.